An Amateur Astrologer's View of His Compatibility with Women

I'm pretty affected by ADD, but even though this is long, it had me intrigued and rofling:


I can look at a chart and tell you exactly what a person is like, so long as the birth information is accurate. Taking a step back from the geometric complexities of an astrological chart, I have also learned what people are like, simply by dint of the Sun sign under which they were born. Sure, there's a lot of generalizing here. You figure there are 6 billion people on Earth and 12 signs. This would mean that roughly 500 million persons fall into each of 12 categories and they cannot ALL be the same, right? They DO, I will argue, share some basic and common characteristics, however, and with this in mind, let us take a brief trip around the galaxy. For future companionship's sake, I'll impart my impressions of each of the signs and convey some of my experiences with respect to each sign's representatives.

Libra: I will NOT date a Libran. No, no, no! Bad Libra! Baaaaaad.... I have never had a successful relationship with a Libran nor do I ever intend to. Librans, first and foremost, are snobs, regardless of their social status. Politically, socially, artistically - snobs - oh, and dilettantes. And opportunists. Find a nose in the air. It's a Libran's. Find a Libran homeless person. They will amass what they consider to be the most attractive, highest quality garbage in the shiniest of grocery carts. I'm not kidding. And, to me, Librans fare no better in bed. While they're often quite beautiful to look at, their thighs, often, have the consistency of overcooked gnocchi. Think "doughy" when assessing the Libran's physical constitution. Not pretty. The upside? There IS no upside. I can't stand them (is this clear?). I suppose my contempt for Librans started with the enormous disappointment that is my Uncle, who, amongst other things, abandoned me in my time of greatest need and killed my cat (through negligence). Anyway, let's stop talking about Librans, okay(?) lest I become churlish or surly or any one of a number of other "ur" adjectives.

Pisces: Sexy, slinky, melt-in-your-mouth fun, and perhaps the most annoying people ever conceived. Pisceans ALWAYS have to be right. Put this aggravating trait together with their propensity to cry at, oil changes, for example, and you have some supremely difficult eddies to ford. This fish swims both ways. Give a Pisces a drink and the party will never end, for they become addicted to anything that takes them out of the harsh light of reality. I knew a Pisces who was addicted to narcotic cough syrup, for crissake. Not a good look. They, along with Gemini, are the Zodiac's biggest liars. And don't tell them a secret, for it will not be a secret anymore. I WILL date a Piscean, but I need to see the rest of her chart to make sure there's something there to offset all the gushing emotion, the "being rightness," and the abuse of mood-altering cough syrup, and lest she be too logged in the mutable liquid that defines the sign. This is all quite a shame as they're the best kissers of the 12 signs, hands (and lips) down.

Aquarius: Without a doubt, the weirdos of the Zodiac. Why do these people always want to meet you at a gas station or phone booth on a first date? They're strange, that's why. As lovers, I do not really get them, but who would? This is the sign of Fixed Air. What the firetruck is Fixed Air??? Anyway, I have had some absolutely wonder Aquarian friends, but I find Water Bearing women-folk do not know how to TRULY love. Lovemaking-wise, it's all very technical. They may be horny as hell, it just does not translate for some reason as they’re all in their heads and do not readily “become one” with their lovers. Perhaps it's the oil circulating though them, for these people are, at the very least, half machine. Give them a cool new gadget and they will beam with joy, positively IDENTIFYING with the thing. It's no wonder - they're related at the genetic level. I LIKE Aquarians, but, emotionally, it’s like trying to get through to a calculator. Great bodies, though. Lithe and sinewy.

Taurus: Interesting call here as my Mars is in Taurus, so my penis likes them… a LOT. Yes, they're stubborn as Phil Spector's day is long and ruled by Venus (as is Libra, ewww...!) but they’re honest and stout and easy on the snout. Yes, Taureans SMELL good. Not sure why, maybe it's that Venusian thing. They ALWAYS seem to smell good, even after they exercise and/or have not showered for a couple of months. Taureans, also, and more than any other sign, like "diggin' in the dirt" (ass play) so I GUESS that's a plus for all you dirt diggers. You don’t want to get these bovine types angry, though. While it takes a LOT to do so, they'll go off on you. Think Ferdinand the Bull, just sitting there and smelling the flowers. And the dirt.

Gemini: Well, let's just say they're a lot of fun HALF the time. Always ready for a quick roll in ze hay, but then they're off to yet another roll in ze hay with someone else, so it's rather difficult to pin these flitterers down in any appreciable fashion. They're the best bed conversationalists and always keep the ball rolling. No pun intended. I mean, well, pun intended, but, no. Like Aquarians, traditionally lean and lovely of frame. I do not have all that much to say about Geminis as I have not spent more than an hour-or-so at a time with one. There's just WAY too much hay out there for them to sit still for very long. Bob Hope once said of he (Gemini) and his wife (Also a Gemini) "Yeah, we're four of the nicest people you'd ever want to meet!" You go, Bob.

Virgo: Insufferably tidy. I have learned how to clean from my Virgo lovers. I do not, however, wish to learn how to clean from my lovers. I want to squeeze them, to please them. This is a very difficult thing with Virgos as virtually everywhere you touch on their HEPA-filtered, disinfected skin... is ticklish. They are HYPER-sensitive in this regard. I’ve had several Virgos to my intimate love grotto with very skittish results. How does one bring a person to orgasm when the person is continuously giggling? I mean, giggle AFTER you do your ecstasy-in-bed thing, a'ight? Virgos, ruled by Mercury as is Gemini, are incredibly fun to talk to; witty, incisive, the whole bit. But just get them to try to keep a straight face as you caress them. Not gonna happen. And, now that I have a dog, we have to go to HER place to shtup. "Dogs are filthy!" Woof, woof, Ms. Obsessive-pants.

Aries: "What have you done for me lately?" To be fair, I LOVE Aries women. They, along with Sagittarian women, have proved my favorite lovers by far. Aries will do ANYTHING for you - so long as they can expect something in return. While not quite as nefarious as Scorpio with regard to their obsessive need for and planning of revenge (both Aries and Scorpio - traditionally - ruled by lethal, blood-thirsty Mars) they sure will sock it to ya! I actually had a very treasured girlfriend who, after we broke up, started acting really snotty and petty with me. I asked her why she was not her formerly sweet self and she said, "Well, you can't expect me to be as nice to you when we're not firetrucking anymore." O Blessed Ram... chill!

Capricorn: I have had fewer Capricorn lovers than any other sign and it's a shame as I like these rather serious and often dour people. It's as though all Capricorns hail from Scotland and, Lord, I do love me some Scots. Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, planet of delay, obstruction and general firetrucked upédness, hence their pervasive melancholia. The common StarGoats is secretly envious of virtually EVERYbody and, traditionally, consider themselves the underdog (undergoat?) This is probably why they overcompensate so severely - why most of them become so bloody successful. As for their lovemaking, well, what do you think goats do all day long cooped up in their little pens? They are very highly sexed, these types, though not terribly inventive - pretty much the embodiment of conservative belief and practice. Many Republicans are Capricorn. This, perhaps, is the main reason why I've the least sexual experience with goatly types. Emblematically, Rush Limbaugh is a Capricorn. Politics aside, he is, perhaps, the most gifted broadcaster of our time, but who'd wanna firetruck him?

Cancer: Best head in the Zodiac. Really. Truly. No question, end of story. Hands firetrucking down. They blow you like they MEAN it and they DO mean it if you've established enough of a bond to get that penis of yours in their mouths. They, the poor things, have not figured out how to relax, however, so it's left up to the individual conscious of the insertee to decide whether it's worth all that trouble. You need to be there for them and be THEIRS before any fine fellatio occurs, and this means hearing them prattle on about: their mothers, their bosses, their parole officers, their housekeepers, their gardeners, their former lovers, their sisters husbands, their tax attorneys, their EVERYTHINGS. They are dramatic in the extreme and will "manipulate through emotion," the Cancerian battle cry, any chance they get. It's really too bad 'cause that head - oh, that head...

Leo: Sweet, fun, amazingly self-absorbed. They're a hoot to lounge around with. Let them purr into your shoulder and stretch out in front of you so they can wow you with their 6-days-a-week at the gym bodies. Just don't smell their breath. It stinks. Almost every Leo woman I've ever known has had bad, bad breath. Maybe it's to do with all that zebra meat they ingest. Not long ago, I kissed a Leo, a lovely woman, and her breath was not THAT bad, but she was a major exception. The Leo I made out with after that? You guessed it STINKY!!! Seriously, it was like dry heaves bad. Ugh! While I am glad to run around town with these types, there's no way I would ever marry one. Leo women have all the maternal instinct of a female guppy who, more often than not, eats her young if given the opportunity. Fun yes. Forever, no.

Sagittarius: LOVE these people! Love 'em. Honest, spirited, marvelous in the sack, fun, and exciting, they would be my favorite lover sign, were it not for a considerable lack of expressed and apparent depth. I mean, it's not that they are not DEEP, they are, but try to get a Sadge to tell you what's REALLY going on and she'll do everything she can NOT to tell you. Eventually, you may get around to discussing what's bugging her, but it's a gargantuan effort tantamount to dam building. Got 20 years? Engage a Sagittarian woman in a conversation involving her emotional climate. The Chinese will have hydro-electrically solved their massive energy needs by the time you're finished. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT! DON'T MAKE ME GUESS! You're so bloody honest with everything else, be open too, will ya? My most important relationships have been with Sagittarian women. This is probably why I'm so tired. So very tired...

Scorpio: Perhaps, my favorite sign and, ergo, my favorite woman. I admire their tenacity, their self-sufficiency, their passion. This is the sign of sex and death. With the much-coveted orgasm, in French, referred to as "La Petite Mort," it's really all about sex anyway, right? My greatest female "role models" or those from whom I have learned the most about life, have been Scorpio women. Sure, after you split up with them and you're on vacation in Cancún (be careful: they ALWAYS keep a set of their former lover's keys) they'll buy alfalfa seeds, flood your apartment, spread the seeds all over the carpet, turn the heat on high, and the poor guy comes home to what amounts to a "Chia apartment" but isn't this sort of delightful surprise more than half the fun? I love these women. I do. I want to bear their children.

cliff?

I would normally feel the same way, when looking at something this long. Once I started reading it, though, I found I couldn't stop.

whoever wrote that is a weird SOB and probably uses internet dating services.

It's hard to shorten. The lulz are in the individual descriptions.

Quote: Originally Posted by sergo... whoever wrote that is a weird SOB and probably uses internet dating services.

Yep, found it on Craigslist under "Men seeking Women". Still made me laugh. As you can probably guess, there are a lot weirder ones on there.

These have been around forever, but they always make me laugh.

Quote: Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a smurfing jerk. Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick. Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit. Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist. Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest. Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer. Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mothersmurfers and enjoy masturbation more than sex. Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while smurfing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps. Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease. Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered. Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit. Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Any mods read that and they'll lock it for sure.

I got to the part where you said "this is long". I giggled, then stopped reading.

Quote: Originally Posted by LS2 tiger... Any mods read that and they'll lock it for sure.

Really? Why? I didn't see anything that breaks any rules. Guess I'm the only one who thinks it's funny.